"God manifested himself to me as the infinite void; but it was not the abyss; it was the vault of heaven, with blue sky and wisps of white clouds. He was not some foreign God but the God of my fathers. He was loving and kind and he had peronality. He said, "You suffer a little now in life; it is little compard with the great joys, the bliss, that awaits you. Do you think I in my theodicy would allow you to suffer greatly in proportion to your reward?" He made me aware, then, of the bliss that would come; it was infinite and sweet. He said, "I am the infinite. I will show you. Where I am, infinity is; where infinity is, there I am. Construct lines of reasoning by which to understand your experience in 1974. I will enter the field against their shifting nature. You think they are logical but they are not; they are infinitely creative."

"I thought a thought and then an infinite regression theses and countertheses came into being. God said, "Here I am; here is infinity." I thought another explanation; again an infinite series of thoughts split off in dialectical antithetical interaction. God said, "Here is infinity; here I am." I thought, then, an infinite number of explanations, in succession, that explained 2-3-74; each single one ofthem yielded up an antithesis, forever. Each time, God said, "Here is infinity. Here, then, I am." I tried for an infinite number of times; each time an infinite regress was set off and each time God said, "Infinity. Hence I am here." Then he said, "Every thought leads to infinity, does it not? Find one that doesn't." I tried forever. All led to an infinitude of regress, of the dialectic, of thesis, antithesis and new synthesis. Each time, God said, "Here is infinity; here am I. Try again." I tried forever. Always it ended with God saying, "Infinity and myself; I am here." I saw, then, a Hebrew letter with many shafts, and all the shafts led to a common outlet; that outlet or conclusion was infinity. God said, "That is myself. I am infinity. Where infinity is, there am I; where I am, there is infinity. All roads--all explanations for 2-3-74 -- lead to an infinity of Yes-No, This or That, On-Off, One-Zero, Yin Yang, the dialectic, infinity upon infinity, an infinities [sic] of infinities. [The sic is Sutin. Did Dick drop the "d" -- was it "and infinities and infinities"? Makes more sense] I am everywhere and all roads lead to me; omniae viae ad Deum ducent [all roads lead to God]. Try again. Think of another possible explanation for 2-3-74." I did; it led to an infinity of regress, of thesis and antithesis and new synthesis. "This is not logic, " God said. "Do not think in terms of abolute theories; think in terms of probabilities. Watch where the piles heap up, of the same theory essentially repeating itself. Count the number of punch cards in each pile. Which pile is highest? Here is your clue: every theory leads to an infinity (or regression, of thesis and new synthesis). What, then, is the probability that I am the cause of 1-3-74, since, where infinity is, there I am? You doubt; you are the doubt as in:

They reckon ill who leave me out;

When me they fly I am the wings.

I am the doubter and the doubt...

"You are not the doubter; you are the doubt itself. So do not try to know; you cannot know. Guess on the basis of the highest pile of computer punch cards. There is an infinite stack in the heap marked INFINITY, and I have equated infinity with me. What, then, is the chance that it is me? You cannot be positive; you will doubt. But what is your guess?"

"I said, "Probably it is you since there is an infinity of infinities forming before me."

"There is the answer, the only one you will ever have," God said.

"You could be pretending to be God," I said, "and actually be Satan." Another infinitude of thesis and antithesis and new synthesis, the infinite regress, was set off.

"God said, "Infinity."

"I said, "You could be testing out a logic system in a giant computer and I am --" Again an infinite regress.

"Infinity," God said.

"Will it always be infinite?" I said. "An infinity?"

"Try further," God said.

"I doubt if you exist," I said. And the infinite regress instantly flew into motion once more.

"Infinity," God said. The pile of computer punch cards grew; it was by far the largest pile; it was infinite.

"I will play this game forever," God said, "or until you become tired."

"I said, "I will find a thought, an explanation, a theory, that does not set off an infinite regress." And, as soon as I said that, an infinite regress was set off. God said "Over a period of six and a half years you have developed theory after theory to explain 2-3-74. Each night when you go to bed you think, "At last I found it. I tried out theory after theory until now, finally, I have the right one.' And then the next morning you wake up and said, "There is one fact not explained by that theory. I will have to think up another theory.' And so you do. By now it is evident to you that you are going to think up an infinite number of theories, limited only by your lifespan, not limited by your creative imagination. Each theory gives rise to a subsequent theory, inevitably. Let me ask you; I revealed myself to you and you saw that I am the infinite void. I am not in the world, as you thought; I am transcendent, the deity of the Jews and Christians. What you see of me in the world that you took to ratify pantheism--that is my being filtered through, broken up, fragmented and vitiated by the multiplicity of the flux world; it is my essense, yes, but only a bit of it: fragments here and there, a glint, a riffle of wind...now you have seen me transcendent, separate and other from world, and I am more; I am the infinitude of the void, and you know me as I am. Do you believe what you saw? Do you accept that where the infinite is, I am; and where I am, there is the infinite?"

"I said, "Yes."

" "And your theories are infinite, so I am there. Without realizing it, the very infinitude of your theories pointed to the solution; they pointed to me and none but me. Are you satisfied, now? You saw me revealed in theophany; I speak to you now; you have, while alive, experienced the bliss that is to come; few humans have experienced that bliss. Let me ask you, Was it finite bliss or an infinite bliss?"

"I said, "Infinite."

" "So no earthly circumstance, situation, entity or thing could give rise to it."

" "No, Lord," I said.

" "Then it is I," God said. "Are you satisfied?"

" "Let me try one other theory," I said. "What happened in 2-3-74 was that--" And an infinite regress was set off, instantly.

" "Infinity," God said. "Try again. I will play forever, for infinity."

" "Here's a new theory," I said. "I ask mayself, 'What God likes playing games? Krishna. You are Krishna.'" And then the thought came to me instantly, "But there is a god who mimics other gods; that god is Dionysus. This may not be Krishna at all; it may be Dionysus pretending to be Krishna." And an infinite regress was set off.

" "Infinity," God said.

" "You cannot be YHWH Who You say You are," I said. "Because YHWH says, 'I am that which I am,' or, 'I shall be that which I shall be.' And you--"

" "Do I change?" God said. "Or do your theories change?"

" "You do not change," I said. "My theories change. You, and 2-3-74, remain constant."

" "Then you are Krishna playing with me," God said.

" "Or I could be Dionysus," I said, "pretending to be Krishna. And I wouldn't know it; part of the game is that I, myself, do not know. So I am God, without realizing it. There's a new theory!" And at once an infinite regress was set off; perhaps I was God, and the "God" who spoke was to me was not.

" "Infinity," God said. "Play again. Another move."

" "We are both Gods," I said, and another infinite regress was set off.

" "Infinity," God said.

" "I am you and you are you." I said. "You have divided yurself in two to play against yourself. I, who am one half, I do not remember, but you do. As it says in the GITA, as Krishna says to Arjuna, 'We have both lived many lives, Arjuna; I remember them but you do not.'" And an infinite regress was set off; I could well be Krishna's charioteer, his friend Arjuna, who does not remember his past lives.

" "Infinity," God said.

"I was silent.

" "Play again," God said.

" "I cannot play to infinity," I said. "I will die before that point comes"

" " Then you are not God," God said. "But I can play through infinity; I am God. Play."

" "Perhaps I will be reincarnated," I said. "Perhaps we have done this before, in another life." And an infinite regress was set off.

" "Infinity," God said. "Play again."

" "I am too tired," I said.

" "Then the game is over."

" "After I have rested --"

" "You rest? God said. "George Herbert wrote of me:

Yet let them keep the rest,

But keep them with repining restlessnesse.

Let him be rich and wearie, that at least,

If goodness leade him not, yet wearinesse

May tosse him to my breast.

" "Herbert wrote that in 1633," God said. "Rest and the game ends."

" "I will play on," I said, "after I rest. I will play until finally I die of it."

" "And then you will come to me," God said. "Play."

" "This is my punishment," I said, "that I play, that I try to discern if it was you in March of 1974." And the thought came instantly, My punishment or my reward; which? And an infinite series of theses and antithesis was set off.

" "Infinity," God said. "Play again."

"What is my crime?" I said, "that I am compelled to do this?"

" "Or your deed of merit," God said.

" "I don't know," I said.

"God said, "Because you are not God."

" "But you know," I said. "Or maybe you don't know and you're trying to find out." And an infinite regress was set off.

" "Infinity," God said. "Play again. I am waiting.""

(17 November 1980)

(And from the next entry, which I will not reproduce in full-- )

"God said that I couldn't know with certainty, but, instead, to watch where the computer punch cards piled up. Okay.

"1) As late as 11-16-80 (the day Ray arrived) I theorized that Valis was the macrometasomakosmos and "second signal" and that this was the Cosmic Christ, not disguised as an invader in our universe but assembling itself out of our universe. So here you have the Cosmic Christ, seen in 3-74.

"2) In my anmnesis I remembered being a Christian, of the first century C.E. This was "Thomas."

He brought with him the original sacraments of the apostolic secret church.

"3) On 11-17-80 I experienced a theophany and God turned out to be the Christian God, of love (his nature was love). He told me that my problem was that I could not believe I had seen him, specifically him, in 3-74.

"4) Small details. Disinhibition by the Christian fish sign. The Acts material in TEARS. Seeing the world of Acts. Remembering the supratemporal eidos of the secret underground revolutionary Christians, of which I am one, battling the Black Iron Prison; what I call realm #3 or morphological arrangement.

"The first three; let us consider.

"1) Possibility that Valis (the macrometasomakosmos and "second signal") are the Cosmic Christ.

"2) Thomas was a secret early Christian.

"3) When God reveled himself to me in a theophany he was the Christian God, specifically.

"Don't these all fit together? Look at how the computer cards fall; look at the distribution. (3) is proved; He proved who he was by causing me to experience infinite bliss. Oh yes:

"Regarding (4), the A.I. voice's initital statement was: "St Sophia will be born again; she was not acceptable before." Another small item.

"How do the computer punch cards fall now, with the addition? Mention of St. Sophia (Christ), the Christian God-- who told me that my theorizing in the exegesis was not logical but infinitely creative; and he would take the field and block my endless speculations."

[This is from IN PURSUIT OF VALIS, pps 45 thru 52. The punch cards are of course a metaphor for the chaotic concept of the Strange Attractor -- with its Phase Envelope. But remember that things can also become Phase Entangled, and that the essence of soma (mixture) is phase entanglement of different psychoactive plants, in the brain, to give access to the Dreamtime.]

And from page 59-61:

"Footnote.

"My flight expressed by the phosphene graphics was a movement faster & faster through cosmogenic-entropic time, ending in exhaustion & then the enantiodromia of entropic time--which had reached infinite velocity & infinite fragmentation ("splitting")--which is to say the dialectic into negentropic time or synthesis, re-integration: hence I saw Valis, the universe pulled through infinity, inside out, to freeze; this was 3-74.

"My exegesis was entropic-cosmogenic time resuming, speeding up faster & faster, "splitting" (fragmenting) farther and farther. Finally, it, too, ended in infinite velocity & infinite fragmentation (creativity, expressed as ever newer & quicker theories); it ended in exhaustion & then the enantiodromia of entropic time--the dialectic of my thoughts--into negentropic time & another reintegration (this was 11-17-80). Only this time I did not see Valis (world not God as I had supposed), there was a theophany, & I was in the presence of God & God's loving-kindness; whereupon He explained everything to me. So events leading up to 3-74 & my experience with Valis had a parallled in the dialectic of my exegesis leading to 11-17-80 & the theophany of the Christian God of Love. The common ingredients of the two flights were: the cosmogenic-entropy "splitting" dialectic flight itself, until infinite velocity (time) & fragmentation (space) were reached, then exhaustion, then enantiodromia into negentropic time & "freeze" (reintegrational) of so-to-speak, "Prajapati" (Sanskrit "Lord of Creatures", demiurgic figure mentioned frequently in the RIG VEDA), but then comes a toatlly different outcome:

"1) 3-74. Valis which is world properly seen (morphological arrangement, growth & perfection & self completion in negentropic time, the entropic--flux--universe pulled through infinity--i.e., inside out). Compared to:

"2) 11-17-80. The Christian God in theophany, who is other than world, who is transcendent. What I thought I had seen in 3-74:

"The summation (combining) of the two is 1) an acute knowledge of world based on 3-74 & the exegesis arising out of that experience. 2) Direct knowledge of God & God's nature based on the above elements: so that 3-74 led to the exegesis, which although it was a loss of negentropic, integrative time & a resumption of cosmogenic-entropic time, did lead (due to the infinite speeding up of time & the infinite breaking down of space until exhaustion set in) to the theophany I had supposed I had already had.

"Now it is possible to see how the Mary Jane (PKD HAD SMOKED SOME ON 11-17-80) fitted in; it added the final push to the dialectic in me, my exegesis (in other words, as preceded 3-74, my thinking) so that it reached infinite speed & infinite space, exhausted itself; & again, as before, enantiodromia set in. This enantiodromia did not have to do with world, however, but had to do with the human intellct striving to find God--futilely. (Futilely until the last great enantiodromia occurred & God took the field to block the dialectic of my thinking himself, & thus revealed himself.

"So there is a striking parallel--a logical, structural parallel--between 3-74 & 11-17-80, but in another, more profound respect the two are mirror opposites--since the first is a vision of world (which I thought was God, yet it was not, & so it yielded no knowledge directly about God, but only inferential knowledge that he existed & that he had saved me--in pronoia [foreknowledge]) & the second is a genuine theophany. When one realizes that world & God are wholly other to each other (Satan rules world) then this mirror-opposite situation can be appreciated. Let me add, too, that total revelation about world doesn't yield knowledge of God. God entered when I became aware that my theorizing was carrying me into an infinite regrees, which is to say, when I became exhausted--at which point enantiodromia occurred; intellect had proven futile & yet, paradoxically, it had led to God--but due to God's volitional initiative. His (as I call it) taking the field, which is an inbreaking by the divine.

"The circumstances under which the theophany occurred (I gave up on the exegesis & kicked back & massively turned on) are not capricious causes but follow the logic of the dialectic along several axes.

"This shows the hauntingly eerie paradoxical (almost whimsical or playful) nature of enlightenment: it comes to you only when you cease to pursue it. When you totally and finally give up...."

*******

What do you make of this?

An orthodox substance abuse counselor would say nothing that came from smoking a joint could have any validity. Therefore the revelations of '74, which were probably the fruit of endogenous beta-carolines (nor-harman, endogenous harmala alkaloid) flooding his brain as a result of a mini-stroke or seizure, might be genuine, but 11/17/80 could not be. Just a pot high.

(Of course in SCANNER, it was the drug rehabs themselves that were manufacturing Slow-D!)

My perspective is somewhat different:

Although spiritual experiences are not automatic with these substances, due to random factors, the PHYSICAL SUBSTRATE must be right for such experiences to occur. The dream circuits must be activated, whether by seizure, stroke, ordinary or waking REM, or through exogenous plant alkaloids that activate the same (NMDA and BZD) receptors.

I know you may be so put off by this whole issue that you may not really be "listening," but without conceding that Ibogaine is not just another drug of abuse but an actual broad-spectrum addiction interrupter, compare what you just read to the following--

"One of the rather striking things I believe I learned was that our human

physical body is, in reality, a highly ingenious and very amusing trick

of the light. It's essentially the 3D holographic construct, (a

hologram), that results from the interraction of laser light with

holographic plates at a multi-dimensional level.

"Furthermore, there are in fact a whole array of higher "spiritual"

bodies, (some of which are immortal), superposed on top of it in

multi-dimensional space. The reason we are not really aware of these

most of the time is down to the ingenuity of the design. We're not

really supposed to be.

"The illusion we start to maintain from birth, therefore, is that we are

solely physical.

"The idea of an outside world and inner physical space that we typically

conceptualize in our daily life is, therefore, not very accurate. (If

you think about it, everything we sense exists only inside what we

conceive of as our head.) Our World is merely a projection. It appears

this way because it's designed to appear this way.

"The reason we're not aware of this most of the time is because the human

physical body and its' existence is, in fact, a sophisticated learning

tool for our higher spiritual bodies. If we were ordinarily aware of our

higher spiritually bodies, the learning tool would not function.

"As a people, therefore, we are here to learn. It is the act of learning

that justifies our continued existence."