> Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
>  Texas from the East Coast:
>
>
>   "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
> celebrity
>  in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted
to
>  do it.  Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
>  happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
> the
>  beer wagon when the call came.  I was assured by the other two judges
>  (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
> they
>  told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.  Here
> are
>  the scorecards from the event:
>
>   Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
>  JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
>  JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>  FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
>  paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out.
>  Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>   Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
>  JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>  JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>  FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
>  supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
>  give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers
>  when they saw the look on my face.
>
>   Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
>  JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>  JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
>  FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
> have
> | been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.  Barmaid pounded
> me
>  on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. 'm getting
>  shit-faced.
>
>   Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
>  JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>  JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>  other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>  FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>  taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
>  that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste
> i'm
>  eating.
>
>   Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
>  JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>  considerable kick. Very impressive.
>  JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must
>  admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>  FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I  farted
>  and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
> offended
>  when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my
>  tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It
>  really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>  Screw those rednecks!
>
>   Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
>  JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of  spice
>  and peppers.
>  JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>  Superb.
>  FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
>  flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
I
>  need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>
>   Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
>  JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>  JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>  chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
>  Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>  uncontrollably.
>  FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I  wouldn't
>  feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like
>  it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
>  unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
my
>  damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've
>  decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.  Screw it, I'm not getting
> any
>  oxygen  anyway. If I  need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch
> hole
>  in my stomach.
>
>   Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
>
>  JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not
>  too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>  JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
> hot.
>  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell
>  and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to
> make
>  it.  Poor Yank.
>  FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)